Colonel Spigot

"I am Colonel Spigot! Perhaps you've heard of me?"

Colonel Ivanod Spigot — "Tyrant of the New Territories," "Beast of the Battle of Bulldoon," "Death-dealing Demon of Dinswipe" — is one of the most diminutive, but also most feared officers in the Thembrian military. The head of the Thembrian Air Force, Colonel Spigot directs squadrons of planes in the service of the Glorious People's army, safeguarding Thembrian airspace against foreign intruders. Possessed by a relentless zeal for his Motherland (as well as a penchant for reckless bungling), the 2’ 9" tall Colonel Spigot has made for himself quite a name in the history of the frozen nation.

Born some years before the Great War, Colonel Spigot was raised in a family of very little distinction with slim ties to the Thembrian military. Spigot had no proud heritage: his own grandmother was devoured by polar bears, a fate usually reserved for those guilty of losing Thembrian international awards. At a young age Spigot enlisted in the Thembrian Army, where he learned the essential skills that all good Thembrian soldiers know — namely, medal-polishing, bootlace-tying, and saluting. Mercilessly taunted by his classmates for his small stature and peculiar lisp and intimidated by his superiors, Spigot became a master of self-preservation. He quickly learned the dual traits of command and diplomacy, by which he was able to countermand less ambitious subordinates and suck up to higher-ranking officers.

After a less than stellar rise to infantry commander, Spigot saw combat for the first time in the early campaigns of the Great War. Ordering his men into the thick of the conflict — while he himself watched from a safe distance — Spigot miraculously won battles against some of the strongest enemy forces in the War. He even managed to conquer several outlying territories for the glory of the Motherland. Spigot's tenacity and stern leadership earned him several prestigious medals and awards, as well as bragging rights to some of the war’s victories.

However, Spigot's own victory was short-lived. With the end of the Great War eliminating the need for an active military force, the Thembrian Ministry of War planned to reorganize the burgeoning Glorious People’s Army into a tight-knit defense network, in order to better protect the Thembrian homeland against foreign disruptions. Not even Spigot's laurels could save him from the ruthless downsizing practices of the War Ministry, and soon orders were issued to transfer Spigot to a position in some far-away camp.

As fate would have it, a clerical error in the paperwork (one of many to come in this new period of reform) altered the orders. Instead of being transferred to parts unknown, Spigot was to assume command of the newly-established Thembrian Air Corps, a division of the Glorious People's military which had emerged from the air-combat arena of the Great War. Though highly unaccustomed to this level of responsibility (and unable to even pilot a plane!), Spigot saw this as an opportunity to finally exercise some real power, as well as use his newly-gained closeness to the Thembrian High Marshall to his advantage. Thus Spigot took firm command of the Air Force, which has grown and thrived over the last two decades.

Colonel Spigot is the epitome of a Thembrian soldier: stern, authoritative, unyielding, and unquestioningly loyal to the interests of his Motherland. Whether those interests are right or wrong is not Spigot's concern — with Spigot, "might makes right," and he rules his men with an iron fist and scathing command. His small stature belies an incredible resolve and furious determination. So forceful are Spigot's words and actions that his subordinates have dubbed him the "Terror of Tiny Tundra." Few officers would dare incur the wrath of Spigot, as the Colonel could easily sentence one to turnip-peeling duty for merely speaking out of turn.

Spigot's primary duties as head of the Air Force include managing the vast resources of the Glorious People's Air Corps, from cargo transports to air vector patrols. Always one who enjoys lording his power over others, Spigot prefers to deal with foreign offenders himself. His extensive knowledge of bureaucratic workings — specifically, Thembria's intricate system of paperwork — allows him to virtually use political influence and swathes of red tape as weapons. Moreover, Spigot apparently shares a measure of control over the Thembrian Army which allows him to direct troops and ground forces at will.

Spigot is something of an everyman in the affairs of the Thembrian government. After capturing offenders, Spigot relishes the chance to participate in their court hearings, acting as attorney for the prosecution. He sometimes travels to prison camps or gruel reserves, either to bolster the morale or temporarily take charge of the operation. In matters of foreign interest such as the Cape Suzette Friendship Festival, Spigot assumes the role of Thembrian ambassador (often a recipe for disaster).

Of course, Spigot's one true weakness is his inability to fly an airplane. Most Thembrian pilots are barely able to fly anyway, but Spigot is absolutely helpless behind the controls of an aircraft. Impromptu flying lessons have improved his skills just enough to keep a plane on course, but actual maneuvers and navigation are far beyond Spigot's abilites. His height (or lack thereof) further complicates the matter, as he needs a booster seat just to see out the cockpit! Despite his aversion to flying, Spigot can command squadrons of planes with great efficiency and owns a private air transport which carries him on travels for the furtherance of Thembria's glory.

More would certainly fear Colonel Spigot if it weren't for his bumbling nature. Hopelessly prone to failures and shortcomings (no pun intended), Spigot possesses an inherent incompetence which has often thwarted his attempts to spite the "Cape Suzette capitalist swine" by bringing glory to his nation. Although many berate and belittle Spigot for his ineptitude, he views himself as a brilliant strategist and born leader. Spigot often speaks out on his own behalf, rehearsing the triumphs of his glory days to anyone who cares to listen. ("Perhaps you’ve heard of me — the Scourge of Sausage Creek?")

Unfortunately, the colonel’s pride is matched only by his stubbornness, a truth often demonstrated in his dealings with foreign relations or the civilian planes that regularly skirt the border of Thembrian airspace. Spigot takes orders from no one — no one, that is, except the High Marshall. The one person able to stop Spigot in his tracks, the High Marshall usually keeps the leader of his air force in line by threatening to have him shot. In turn, Spigot constantly seeks to impress his mighty "mucky-muck" either to gain a promotion or avoid the firing squad.

Faults aside, Colonel Spigot is a dedicated soldier who serves his country well. On the more-than-rare occasions when he messes up, he usually pins the blame on his aide Sergeant Dunder, a dimwitted but kind-hearted Thembrian who always finds himself holding the bag for Spigot’s blunders.

COLONEL SPIGOT
Height: 2'9" Sex: Male Age: 30+ DEXTERITY 3D+1 Brawling parry 4D, dodge 6D, firearms 4D+2, grenade 4D, melee combat 5D, pickpocket 5D KNOWLEDGE 3D+2 Bureaucracy: Thembria 6D+2, cultures 4D, intimidation: interrogation 4D+2, law enforcement: Thembria 7D, locations 4D+1, streetwise 4D, tactics: ground combat 5D+2, tactics: anti-aircraft 6D MECHANICAL 2D Beast riding 3D, sensors: radar screen 4D PERCEPTION 3D+2 Bargain 5D, command: Thembrian military 8D, con 5D, hide 4D, persuasion 6D, search 4D, sneak 5D+1 STRENGTH 3D Brawling 3D+2, stamina 4D+1 TECHNICAL 2D+1 Demolitions 4D+2, first aid 4D, security: boobytraps 6D+2